


there's just one question you never asked me

by anotherbuskitten



Series: We're Not Really Made For This Life. We Were Never Built For Sanity. [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 17:41:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7062955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherbuskitten/pseuds/anotherbuskitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And it’s a hell of a thing, that. Because he can forgive that everyone he knew looked at him and thought ‘yeah, he could be a death eater’ but he can’t forgive three fifteen year old boys for never asking if he had a reason.</p>
            </blockquote>





	there's just one question you never asked me

It’s not like he can complain about any of this. It’s not like it’s a secret that he isn’t good.

(Not to anyone except Harry, who won’t believe it when others try to warn him)

It isn’t that he doesn’t try; or to be more accurate that he didn’t try. He stopped pushing himself to every limit he had in fifth year.

The worst year; when he was disowned and then lost all his friends and it wasn’t until a year – a fucking year – later that they spoke to him again.

Until he had turned sixteen he had done nothing with his life except try to be the best. For his father who he would never be good enough for, for his mother who he would never be good enough for, for his brother who he’d failed in every conceivable way and lastly for his friends who.

Who…

And it’s been over two decades and he stopped trying to be good a long time ago but he still can’t quite forgive them.

And it’s a hell of a thing, that. Because he can forgive that everyone he knew looked at him and thought ‘ _yeah, he could be a death eater_ ’ but he can’t forgive three fifteen year old boys for never asking if he had a reason.

But he could have been a death eater – after fifteen, after seventeen, he could have – with no walls to give an illusion of not being part of the world.

At seventeen when for the – third? – time he’s approached and offered a position – in the inner circle, like it’s honour he’s been seeking all this time – it’s by Bella so at least he knows that someone’s been paying attention to him; if only his weaknesses.

The conversation is the nicest they’ve ever had. It’s far from the last they ever have.

(It’s the last until Azkaban)

(His last conversation with Regulus was before he was disowned)

It goes something like this:

-You will never have family anywhere else

-I will never have family

-You could

-You know I can’t

-They will never understand

-I don’t want them to

-I will pass on your disagreements

-Bella - ! I, I wish

-So do I.

(He always knew she would kill him)

(She always knew he would destroy her)

Later he mails her. He bleeds on the letter from how hard he’s clenching his knuckles. The letter says –

_Come home one day_

_Mercenary_

(It took him three months and 90 galleons worth of firewhiskey to work out how to make the word a portkey)

(It’s more than he ever manages to do for his own side)

(no matter how hard he tries)

He trades information on and off with her Rodolphus. She is not the only thing they have in common.

They meet at exclusively muggle pubs and complain about their jobs and their families and the fact that their little brothers are going to die without them there to hold their hands.

They swap meeting points and new spells and who’s angry at who and muggle cigarettes.

At some point they become not-friends and he knows someone in the order knows and he knows they all think he’s a spy and he knows – he fucking knows

He would kill for this man.

 

If he’d only been asked one question back when he was a teenager maybe things would have been different. Maybe he wouldn’t have held so tightly to everything he was given.

_(Why’d you do it Padfoot?)_

There’s one mission where he gets in the way of a spell from his side and only James sees.

(Why’d you do it Padfoot?)

And he says

-He might have been someone’s brother

-He might have been my brother

(Harry must never know how badly he fucked up every friendship he ever had)

 

It’s almost a relief in the end to be taken away. He’s finally failed enough that he doesn’t get to change it anymore.

These are his last conversations:

_James_

-I wish I knew how to take that look away from your eyes

-At least the rest of us can use the war as an excuse

-I never wanted you to understand. It’s my only success story

-You’ve never thought you’d come out of this war alive

-I’ve never wanted to

-Thank you

-I’ve never done anything worth thanking

-For your honesty

-Why –

-Why what?

-Why don’t you stay here tonight?

(Why’d you do it Padfoot?)

(Why couldn’t you just ask?)

_Lily_

-Did you sleep at all last night?

-I should go

-Stay for breakfast

-I – I can’t. Tell James –

-We love you Sirius

-I should go and say bye to Harry

(He’d never wanted to come out of this war alive)

-Bye Lily

-time to make a target of myself

-please don’t go

_Harry_

-I hope this works

-You’re gonna be the best of us all

-Don’t ever forget that alright?

-You’ve only ever known my best. Try not to change that when I’m gone

(It’s funny how his wishes came true)

_Peter_

-LILY AND JAMES SIRIUS! HOW COULD YOU?

_(Wormtail)_

-I’m glad you’re here Peter. I’m glad we’ve got you

_Remus_

-This wasn’t meant to happen

-I hope you rot

-You don’t understand

-What don’t I understand?

-We should never have forgiven you

-I was supposed to die

-We could be so lucky

-Remus –

-I wish I’d never met you Sirius

 

This is his last conversation with Remus

-Sirius

-You won’t change my mind

-I’m not going to try. This is important

-Harry’s in danger. There is nothing more important

-Please listen

-Be quick

-I absolve you of your sins. You are forgiven forever

-

-

-You too Moony

-I’ll see you on the other side Padfoot


End file.
